I was looking through my old blog and just decided to post some stuff that really stuck out to me.
Why are people so two faced and materialistic and fake?? Why can't anyone just be themselves and takes what life gives them and run with it? Who cares what other people think? It makes me so angy to see people walking around like they own the world because they're "cool" and they smoke and they drink and they have 203572096587 STD's plus brain damage because they go out and party every weekend. I don't see the fun in any of it. At all. I have friends and I have fun without that junk. I want to be in control of my life. I don't like people telling me what's right and what's wrong. I don't care about being "politcally correct," or "popular" for that matter. If I have to prove something to someone so I can be their friend, then I don't want to be their friend. Period. It's the people who will accept you, no questions asked, who are going to wind up being there in the end. I know I've said that before, but that's the truth! Everyone has changed so much this year. I just want everything to go back to the way it used to be. There was so much drama, but when push came to shove, we were all there for each other. Everyone was so different. We were all so innocent and we didn't realize it then and now that we do, we've thrown it all out the window and now we can never get it back. And the worse part of it all is, that things will never be the same again...
- February 25, 2004
I'm slowly moving on and, even though it hurts, I'll make it in one piece.
-March 2, 2004
And now I'm crying again. And it's not like I don't know why either.
No matter how much I talk about how happy I am leaving you behind, I'll always know that in my heart, I wish that things were different. I miss them so much...And the worse part is that it's not just the fact that I never see them anymore, it's just that everyone has changed so much and I guess that's what hurts the most: the fact that I know nothing will ever be able to be the same again. I'm trying so hard and it's not working...
-March 3, 2004
I read Neely's xanga today. She wrote, "Erka, I'm sorry. I'm not sure what for, but it's just one of those things." And I didn't even know what she's sorry for either, but I understood.
And I cried...
-March 11, 2004
Basically, when it comes down to it, I am a very antisocial person inside. That's kind of weird seeing as how I'm always hyper and all "weeeeeeee" and stuff. I don't know. Maybe I'm weird.
-March 15, 2004
I don't really want to see those people...Well I do..but no, I don't because every time I see them, I just miss them more and more...
-March 26, 2004
There was never a dull moment. And we were all so close. Even though we fought all the time, when it came down to it, we were there for each other and that's all that mattered. Everyone knew it and I think that's almost what kept us going. Things have changed. I wish they didn't have to.
It's raining again...
-March 31, 2004
It's all rushing by me so quickly. I don't know which way to turn anymore. I miss knowing that no matter what happened, they were always there for me. In a way, they still are there for me, and I'm still there for them; in a way, we're so far apart, not physically but mentally, that it's impossible for us to still be there for each other. I'm not sure about anything anymore except for the fact that I love them no matter what happens.
-April 10, 2004
I cried. And then I sat down and I found myself wondering about what in the world I'm so upset about. I came to a lot of conclusions today. Things that maybe I've known for a long time but didn't want to admit. I'm happy. I'm happy with who I am and where I am. I don't want to be who I used to be. I don't want to be where I used to be. I don't WANT things to be the way they were. I don't want the drama and the continuous fighting and the bull crap. All I really want is to just forget about everything. I don't fit in with those people anymore and I'm going to stop trying to. Am I giving up? Maybe. It's one of those things that nobody can ever really piece together right. All I want to know is if it was me, or them, who changed. And all I do know is when I look back on last year, yes, it was fun and they are wonderful people and I will never forget the good times. But in reality, my life was so much more complicated. Everyone was afraid to think outside the box. We were all exactly alike and nobody wanted to admit it. There were certain standards that went without saying, and if you didn't live up to those standards, you were screwed. You came to school everyday and everyone was just waiting for someone to mess up. Every step you took was being analyzed and anything you tried to do differently was "immature" or "stupid." I'm not like that anymore and I don't miss it. I've said it time and time again: It's the people who will accept you as is, with no change necessary, that are true. I love the true ones.
-April 21, 2004
Just when I think I'm moving on, it all comes back to me.
-May 8, 2004
I realized that it's okay to let go and move on because everything happens for a reason. And that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm letting go slowly. And little by little I'm getting put back together and it feels great.
People are so...weird. Not weird like in a crazy weird way, weird like in a hypocritical way. In a "why-in-the-world-would-they-do-that" way. I don't even understand people anymore. I just have a few close friends and I don't even care. I don't want to have more friends. People are too weird for me. At the beginning, I wanted to fit in and I wanted everyone to like me. But now I'm done with that. I love being me and I love having friends that understand that. I've decided to look past everything I don't have, or have and wish I didn't, and just realize that I am so blessed. I have so much that I don't deserve. I love it all.
-May 17, 2004
I finally realized why I'm definitely NOT going to Knightdale High next year. I like finally being able to figure things out. Life is so beautiful.
-May 21, 2004
It's really weird how much I've changed, even since May, and how much I changed over the course of 4 months. I'm so different now than I was in any of those entries...And now I don't want to change and I don't want things to be the way they were. Not at all. I like the way things are now and I don't wish they were different.