fear is no longer hangin' around

Maybe I'm in a rut.

I do love Dayn. Sometimes, though, he says and does horrible things that he knows are going to hurt me, usually he's drunk, and he never remembers, and he never seems to feel any remorse. What am I supposed to do about that? I'll never be strong enough to pack up and leave him, which is a pathetic thing to realize. I've given up too much to be with him, and I know things just wouldn't go back to the way they were before I met him. I know he loves me, I just wonder sometimes if he loves every part of me or just the pieces he wants to love.

you should capture my view
'cause i don't want nothing else but you
you could treat me like you please
baby, it's okay with me
leave me bleeding on the floor
from my heart, from my heart's core

On another note, I registered for classes for the fall. I am going back to school. That sentance looks so strange on paper, because I don't want to go back to school at all. Not because I'm lazy and don't want to do the work, but because I don't see any real point in it anymore. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I feel like I should take more time off to figure that out before I dig myself further and further into debt for no reason at all.

I still hate my job more than anything. I wish I could just leave, but I know I can't.

I know I'm happy. I'm just so restless that I want to scream sometimes. I feel like a small kid throwing a temper-tantrum. I'm kicking and crying and no matter how much noise I make or how much energy I exert, I'm still not going to get what I want. Mom's going to drag my right out of that toystore by my arm, and that barbie doll will be lost to me forever, but I'll still kick and scream the whole way home, even though it won't get me what I want.

I miss writing. I've been looking back at all my poems on deviantart. I've never been able to capture my own emotion with words so easily as I could last year when I wrote all those sad songs...

you're at your best with an ache in your chest and that worn-out, old song that you play

I don't know where you're coming from
When you roll in like thunder then turn around and run.

What if it doesn't last?

I get myself so worked up sometimes.

The doctor biopsied some pre-cancerous cells from me this week. Strange.

And so I think it's time for a lifestyle change. ie: today I went for a run (not a long one, thanks to my smoker lungs) and I've been eating healthy! Weeee.

I'd like to lose some weight. Sometimes I can see that he's disgusted with me. And I know he loves me, but it still hurts my feelings...

what happened to the poets and lovers?

I am sitting on my back porch. The humidity and scorching heat of today have worn off. I just put down John Irving's A Prayer for Owen Meany (Which is wonderful so far, by the way. I am completely obsessed with John Irving right now. The Cider House Rules and The World According to Garp have definitely made my top 10 list recently.) Now it's raining (Luckily my macbook and I are protected by the overhang). I have a cup of mint tea and a blanket. I am entirely content in this moment.

Mostly the poetry I find here, right now, in my solitude makes me want to write, but I don't know what I have to write about anymore. My life, despite all of the madness of the past two years, has calmed down entirely and become quite routine. I spend almost every waking minute either with Dayn or at work. Work is still horrible, and I think it will always be. I guess it's in the nature of the world that those who work their asses off rarely receive the recognition they deserve.

I just choked on a sip of tea and coughed so hard that I now have a headache; there's the disturbance I was waiting for.

i'd stand my ground if i had a leg to stand on.

I haven't written anything in a very long time. Since my last update, I've been put on anti-depressants. They have definitely evened me out, but at the same time, I don't feel much of anything anymore. I'm never really happy or really sad. I don't know if I like it or not. The lack of emotion doesn't make for very interesting writing.

I also withdrew from school for the last semester. I'm okay with it. I'm in the process of re-enrolling for the fall, and if all goes as planned I should still be able to walk at graduation in May.

I also turned 21. It's not as great as everyone else makes it out to be.

I'm really quite content, I guess. I don't know if it's the medication or not, but I've had no real desire to write lately because I think I've got myself all figured out all of the sudden. Not all figured out, obviously, but I'm not burning and itching to get out and to label every single emotion. Maybe it is the medication. Maybe I'm just growing up.

Dayn is truly the love of my life, I've decided. That sounds so cheesy, but I'm literally ready to spend the rest of my life with him. I know I'm young, but I'd easily settle down right now. I don't know what else I want to do with my life. I don't really have any personal ambitions, so I wouldn't be giving anything up--not really.

I've been reading a lot. It makes me want to write again. Unfortunately, I don't want to have to try for my writing to be phenomenal. I just want to be able to sit down and write the next great novel without any effort at all, even though I know it doesn't work like that. I am just overall an unmotivated person, so I'll never try. I think it took so long and I exhausted so much energy in order to just be content with who I am that I don't have anything left to give into pushing myself any further. As long as I'm not constantly on the brink of an anxiety attack, I feel like I've accomplished something.

Maybe I've accomplished a lot more than I give myself credit for, and maybe I should keep pushing myself even further.

do not tremble

Today I realize that I don't know what I want, but I think I'm okay with that.

I've been looking into culinary programs for post-graduation. Cooking and continuing this hectic restaurant living is the only thing I can imagine myself doing in life, but if that's the case, why I have spent years and thousands of dollars to pay to get this silly English degree?

Also, I am happy.

I am.

it's the sound of the unblocking and lift away

TWhat do I want?

What do I want?

What do I want?

What do I want?

What do I want?
What do I want?

What do I want?

What do I want?

What do I want?

What do I want?

What do I want?

What do I want?

And when I figure it out, how do I get it?

Today, I am angry. I'm not quite sure why. I just know that I'm angry.

Sometimes I'm tempted to get rid of it all--to pick up my desk and my bed and all of my clothes and throw them out the window to my apartment. Then to leave and just start walking to no where and figure it out as it goes.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of this life that has been forced upon me by typical American standards and the dreams of those who are not me, but who think they know what I want.

How can anyone know what I want when I don't know what I want? How can I trust the advice of others, how dare I ask for the advice of others, when I have no idea what I'm doing?

And when do I get to figure it out? Will I know when I get there? Will I ever get there?

I'm twisting to the sun I needed to replace

And the fountain in the front yard is rusted out

All my love was down in a frozen ground

There's a black crow sitting across from me

With his wiry legs crossed

He is dangling my keys, he even fakes a toss

Whatever could it be that has brought me to

This loss?

maybe you can tell me how it is you got that way.

This Christmas break has been incredibly different from the last two.

Dayn came and stayed at my parents' house in Knightdale for a few days. He met everyone--including Scotty and Chuck.

It went pretty well.

Except we fought. A lot.

Sometimes I'm so scared that this isn't going to work and all of our plans for the future are going to fall through. I have no long-term goals, at all, and he's the only thing that I expect to remain constant in my life for a little while. What if it doesn't work, again?