I didn't go to school today.

I slept. Until Molly called. Then I cried a lot, and yelled at God a lot, and yelled at myself a lot, and just yelled. Nobody was listening of course and all I got in response was the hum of my ceiling fan and the 12:00 ABC News anchor's voice blaring on the TV about pointless things like politics and how a old guy died. That made me even more angry, because I couldn't understand how the rest of the world could be worried about politics and about the death of someone who actually had a chance to live their life, when something like this had happened. So I yelled some more.

And now I'm somewhere in between the place where, I cried and screamed because I knew what happened and was upset, confused, sad and angry, and the place where it all sinks in and I understand why this happened. So I'm still upset and angry but at the same time, I don't really know what to think, or feel. I don't really feel anything.

I wasn't that close to him. But we talked in between classes. He was always nice to me, but last time he tried to talk to me after first period sometime last week I blew him off. I didn't want to talk to him, because he's friends with them, and at the time I didn't want to have anything to do with them.

Thinking about that made me even more upset and more angry with myself.
So, I yelled some more. Then my mom called and of course I was a wreck and wouldn't tell her why over the phone, so she came home from work. When I told her she didn't really try to comfort me. She doesn't understand and she says he deserved it. I don't think so.

He never had time to set things right. Are the rest of them going to set things right now? I don't know. I haven't talked to them in quite a while, I want to now. I want to be there for them, but I know they don't want me to be there for them, nor do they need me, so there's no point.

Thinking about it makes me afraid. Afraid to die. Afraid to lose someone else in my life. Afraid that I'm not going to have time to set things straight. Afraid that I'm not going to tell someone I love them, and then the next day they're going to be gone. This has taught me a lot. I'm going to forgive quickly and love deeply and not worry about what the rest of the world thinks. I'm going to live while I can, because I know I'm not garaunteed a tomorrow. So to everyone that I've ever held a grudge against, I'm sorry. And I love you all.

I broke up with Wesley today. I'm not really sure why, it's just one of those things that my heart kept telling me to do, so for once, I listened. Maybe things will work out better this way? I'm not really sure. I'm not really sure about anything anymore.

For now I have to go.

RIP
Vincent "JR" Kerr
October 6, 2004
You are loved and missed by so many.