So I'm reading back over my last month's worth of entry, and it's really boring. I have nothing to say anymore, or maybe I have too much to say to even put it into words. I know that there is a lot going on in my life right now, and that I have feelings, but my xanga doesn't show that. It's just ridiculously stupid. I wish I didn't always have to be searching for the right words. You know? You have to be able to put things in such a way that it makes sense, but also reflects exactly how you're feeling, and I'm pretty sure that's impossible. Maybe our feelings aren't meant to be recorded. Maybe we're not supposed to be able to put things into words. Maybe we should all just learn how to feel what we're feeling and not worry about making other people understand us. Maybe we're not meant to be understood by anyone, not even ourselves. I don’t know, I just wish things could be a little bit easier. I’m not asking for everything to be handed to me on a silver platter, I just wish I didn’t have to go through hell, and then have nothing to show for it. Everything is falling apart in front of me. Everything that I’ve worked so hard to perfect over the last few years is just crumbling up into little pieces and then laughing in my face. For example, I had a webassign due Thursday night, and I didn’t even do it. I didn’t even look at it. I just let it go. I don’t do that! I don’t just get zeros on dumb assignments! That’s not me at all! I mean, I’m not the perfect student, by any means. But I do my work. Oh and another thing, I hate dance right now. I hate it so much, more than I have the whole year. What is wrong with me? Dance is about the only thing that makes me happy and now I just can’t even stand it, and it’s not because of the stupid dance we’re doing in the dance concert, I just don’t want to dance at all. Usually I like dance down the hall in my house and now I just don’t care. Like, what am I going to do if things don’t get back to normal?? I’m supposed to be dancing for 6 weeks this summer at governor’s school. What’s going to happen if I don’t want to?? I worked so hard to get into gs and now I don’t even know what I want. And then, there’s my “friends” or lack thereof at the time being. Like, me and Natalie have become so close this week, but ¾ is dead. I feel like Molly is pushing me away, I hardly ever talk to her anymore, and I don’t really eat lunch with them anymore and when I do I really have nothing to say. This is ¾. They’re supposed to be my best friends but I just don’t get it anymore. I don’t know. I go through phases with friends. I push people away when we start to get too close because I don’t want to lose anyone. I don’t want it to be that one morning I wake up and they’re gone or I make a mistake and they hate me for it. I don’t want things to be like that.

Oh wow I wrote way too much and I have to go blowdry my hair. Maybe more of this later because I have a lot more to say.

Xoxo Erika