Then again, nothing's really "good" in my life at this point. Yeah, it's summer and I have really awesome friends sometimes and I'm going away for six weeks, but other than that I don't have really anything to hold onto. Everything that's been thrown at me in the past year has just been a bunch of bullshit I don't want to put up with and really can't handle emotionally. I'm weak and I know that, but that's not my fault. So, I think I just started to ignore it all and pretend like it wasn't happening. And as soon as I started forgetting about life and my responsiblities, I became this girl that I never, ever imagined myself being. And I don't know if that's a good thing. Maybe I'm finally figuring out who I really am and I'm not aware of it, but I honestly don't think that's the case. I think that sometime since March, I got rid of the person I'm supposed to be. I kicked her out. She's gone.
I can't talk about this without bringing up Youth 2000. Because after Youth 2000 I truly thought that everything was going to get better, that I was going to finally set everything right with my family and my friends and God and that almost happened. I was thisclose and then I started right back where I left off before Youth 2000, spiraling downward into something I couldn't recognize. And everything just kept getting worse and worse.
A lot of things are becoming clear to me though, about human nature and what we tend to do when we have to face something that is clearly telling us to change our way of life for the better. Maybe it's just me but I love to do just the opposite of what people tell me just to piss them off, I don't think it's just me though because I've seen it so many times in the last year and I just didn't understand then.Maybe after Youth 2000 I knew what I was supposed to do. I knew I was supposed to get better, to stop smoking, stop drinking, stop everything that had just been beginning, and for a little while I cleaned myself up. I went a whole month without a single cigarette or a single beer, but then it's just like I woke up one morning and decided I didn't want to listen to other people, I didn't want to listen to God or my parents or even my friends because for some strange reason I believed they were all wrong and I was right.
And I know that's a lie, I know that they're right and I'm wrong, but now I can't turn back. I can't go back and become that girl that I was. It seems like forever ago that I obeyed all the rules. I was this little angel and I remember getting so mad at people when they did shit like I'm doing now. I remember being furious with a few people. I remember ending friendships because some of my friends took the same actions that I'm taking now.
And it hurts a lot to realize that you hate everything about yourself. It hurts so much.
E