I knew this was coming...the time when I finally realize that it's back to reality and there's not shit I can do about it. I haven't necessarily depressed about being home lately, mostly because it doesn't feel like it ever even happened in the first place, and because it's been great being able to hang out with my friends again. But now I have to deal with all of the bullshit that I was trying to run away from at gs. I didn't think it'd even be worth it to me anymore when I got home, and yet here I am, still stressing out about every little fucking thing and making myself more upset than I should be. Honestly, I have no fucking clue what to do.

In a way, I miss the old me. A lot. But in a way, I hate her. Sometimes I wish things would go back to "normal", whatever that is. But I don't know if I'd be any happier if they did. I don't know what I want. I know everyone's sick of my rants, but I try not to. I try to forget about it all and just be happy and have fun. I just always end up feeling stupid in the end. Like I was too naive to realize that it wouldn't work and everything would just end up the same in the end.

You've hurt me more than you'll ever know.
I don't know what's worse: being hurt, or knowing that I'll never tell you.

I know that I am trying to change. I mean, honestly, I haven't had a cig in 2 months. Maybe it was because I was at gs for 6 weeks and I couldn't smoke there, but there have been opportunities since then and I haven't given in yet. Maybe I needed those 6 weeks away more than I knew. And I haven't partied much. Not like I used to. There was 4th of July but what can I say? It was 4th of July, and I hadn't partied since like memorial day. (ah yes, all the patriotic holidays.)

I don't know. I don't know what I want.