The first full week of school was hard. Besides the insane amounts of work that we're getting, I just don't like being there. I'm so tired of it. It's just been the same people and the same stupid drama since freshmen year and it's gotten so old. I do like being back into a routine. It's nice to have something constant to rely on. But, I'm bored. Once again this is mostly do to "The Governor's School Experience." At GS you could mix up your routine a bit. Eat lunch with different people. Take a nap during your free period instead of always hanging out with the your friends. But it's not like that at school. You hang out with the same people before school every day. You go to the same classes every day. You have the same conversations with the same people in those classes every day. You eat lunch with the same people every day. You hang out with the same people after school that you hung out with before school. And then you go to the same extracurricular activities. And then you come home and do homework. It's so monotonous. And it's not that I don't like my friends. Because I do. But only in small doses. That's not meant to be offensive to anyone; it's just the way that I am. I don't like hanging out with people for a long period of time. I think most of this is due to the fact that I'm too pessimistic and I take too much notice of people's flaws and annoying habits. Because that's what I do. I am so quick to point out everything that's wrong with someone. And I know that that probably makes me a bitch but whatever. At least I'm honest with myself and other people.
That brings me to something else that's been bothering me. In Achenbach's class on Thursday we talked about a story called The Minister's Black Veil. (Great story. You should read it.) And she said that the reason we don't like other people is because they possess some characteristic that we dislike in ourselves. It wasn't the first time that I'd heard that theory but it's the first time I've really thought about it. I dislike A LOT of people. What does that say about me? Am I so unlovable that I can't even love myself? Do I have such low self-esteem that I need to point out every single thing that's wrong with everyone else to make myself feel better? I'm starting to think that all this talk about self-acceptance is a bunch of bullshit. Nobody can ever really accept themselves and be okay with it. We're always trying to change something about us that we don't like, and doesn't that obviously mean that we aren't loving ourselves for who we are?
Too much deep thinking for one night, I leave you with this:
"People who comprehend something to it's very depths rarely stay faithful to it forever. For they have brought it's depths into the light of day; and in the depths there is always much that is unpleasant to see." -Nietzsche