Really, none of this has never been about me: the AP classes, the good grades, the extracurricular activities, the well-behaved, oh-so cute, polite and socially capable Erika. It's not about me. It's all about them. It's about what they want, nobody cares what I want. The only thing I ever did for me was dance, and now I can't even do that right apparently.
Is it okay that I'm sacraficing my happiness to make my parents and the college admissions officers happy? What's going to happen when I wake up one day in the future and realize that I wasted what were supposed to be the "best years" of my life trying to please everyone else. Is it really worth it? If I were to die tomorrow would I wish I had a chance to change everything? To actually act like a 16 year-old?
I'm not one to crave attention too much. I don't like sympathy, but I really just wish someone would take note of the fact that I am breaking down. That I physically and mentally cannot handle this anymore. Skipping meals because I don't have time to eat, getting 4 hours of sleep a night...I spend more time doing homework than sleeping. Yesterday the only meal I ate was lunch. My headaches are getting so bad that I'm taking advil everyday and I usually only take medicine as a last resort. And I knew if my parents had any idea about this they'd send me straight to the doctors. But they're not paying attention. They're too worried about my stupid ass brother who's failing half his classes and getting phone calls home from his teachers everyday.
It kills me that this whole fucking situation is so cliche and I just sound like a stupid fucking teenager who's "depressed" and can't do anything but complain, but it's not like that at all. At least not to me.
I just don't want to go down that road again. I've been there once already and nobody needs to do that twice.
I was happy, so I know I'm capable of it. Friday night was awesome. Today was so much fun. And then I get home and I start to realize that I completely "wasted" that time because I should've been doing homework or getting stuff together for TYM or something productive that's going to "matter" in the long run.
But who the fuck knows what really matters. I mean nobody knows what the fuck is going on. We really don't have any control over any of it and nobody knows what happens to us when we die. Sure you can have all the fucking faith and beliefs that you want but they can't fucking all be right, so who is it? How do we decide who's right and who's wrong? How do we even know if any of this is real? If this moment right now is happening?
I really need to stop and go..do something. I don't even know.
I saw you standing in my headlights
I thought I'd run you down for the weight you left on me
Instead I pushed rewind, reversed and drove away
And seeing you disappear in my rearview
Brought to me the word reciprocity
Hey what would it mean to you
To know that it'll come back around again
Hey, whatever it means to you
Know that everything moves in circles
Round and round we go
Who would've known it'd end so well
we fall on and we fall of
existential carousel
Incubus