I say this so much that it's starting to bother me as well, but it's so frusterating.
On August 24, 2005, I wrote:
"And I know that as this year goes on, it will get worse, and I expect that by January I'll be me again."
I'm not quite sure what I meant at the time, because August was a very perplexing month for me, but I do understand myself on some level now. (It's sad that I'm analyzing my own words like I would a novel for English class.) I know who I was when I came home from Governor's School this summer and although I'm not quite sure who I am now, I'm definitely not the girl that walked through the doors of my house for the first time in 3 weeks on July 23. So many aspects of my life have returned to "normal," and the pieces that haven't have changed to drastically that I can't even recognize them. I honestly have no idea where my life is going or what's happening right now. I don't like not knowing; I hate surprises. It bothers me a lot that I can't figure out the one thing that I should be able to have a grip on right now: myself. Obviously, I don't have a great hold on life and schoolwork and commitment, but I should know who I am, and I don't.
I knew who I was before GSW too, and I think that's what I'm referring to when I wrote that "by January, I'll be me again." The one person that I don't want to be again. I think I'm in such denial about falling back into my "old ways" that I can't figure out what I want to be. I just know that I don't want that again because last year was the worst year of my life, and I don't want to repeat it in any way.
On another note, today was a pretty good day, minus the Spanish test, English presentation and pre-calculus test. I have an A in English though, which is pretty amazing if you ask me.