Pulling a Gwen/Lex..
Let's Play Flashback..
-Starting with one of the hardest days we'll ever have to face & a funeral we'll never forget
October 6, 2004
I slept. Until Molly called. Then I cried a lot, and yelled at God a lot, and yelled at myself a lot, and just yelled. Nobody was listening of course and all I got in response was the hum of my ceiling fan and the 12:00 ABC News anchor's voice blaring on the TV about pointless things like politics and how a old guy died. That made me even more angry, because I couldn't understand how the rest of the world could be worried about politics and about the death of someone who actually had a chance to live their life, when something like this had happened. So I yelled some more.
And now I'm somewhere in between the place where, I cried and screamed because I knew what happened and was upset, confused, sad and angry, and the place where it all sinks in and I understand why this happened. So I'm still upset and angry but at the same time, I don't really know what to think, or feel. I don't really feel anything.
October 9, 2004
There's no such thing as love in past tense. We didn't use to love him. Love doesn't end when someone dies. We still love him, maybe even more now than we did before...
I half expected him to run into the church laughing and say "Ahaha I got you guys good this time!!"
But this isn't a joke.
I can't even talk about the funeral right now. I just want it for my memory. Want to remember how it felt and what it was like. Putting it into words isn't going to do anyone any good because no one will ever be able to find the right words, and then it will just be all wrong.
-The hardships of Sophmore year & being too naive to realize it was only going to get worse
November 1, 2004
I hate it that I feel like I can't do anything without being judged. I feel like everyone's just waiting for me to screw up big time and fall flat on my face, and if I don't do everything exactly the way I'm expected to, and if I don't get everything done and do everything the right way, flawless, then I'm just going to let everyone down.
December 6, 2004
jr- You're still in our thoughts every single day. The last 2 months have been crazy, and we still miss you so much, that's something that will never change. I know you're smiling down on us from heaven and watching over us day & night. I don't know if reality is ever going to set in or if the unrealness of it all is just going to become part of our lives
-Being more nervous than I've ever been in my life & having it pay off in the end
December 10, 2004
YES, I WILL BE AT THE STATE AUDITIONS FOR GOVERNOR'S SCHOOL ON FEBRUARY 12TH AT MEREDITH COLLEGE!!!!
February 12, 2005
All the corrections I've ever been given in any dance class I've ever taken are all floating around in my head. So much to think about.
In 2 hours I'll be leaving for my audition at Meredith. I'm freaking out.
March 25, 2005
on a better note
i got into governor's school
and Elizabeth is at Salem with me
Horray.
-Realizing that we were growing up & not knowing how to deal with it
March 26, 2005
I hate you for everything that you've done to me without even knowing it. I hate you for everything that you've done to yourself and everything that you've done to hurt all the people who love you. And I hate myself too. I hate myself for letting you do this to me and for caring.
April 28, 2005
We are halfway through high school and I can't believe how fast things are going by. I know that after this summer we're all going to come back totally different people and that crazy cycle of losing old friends and gaining new ones is going to begin again, and I hate it.
May 26, 2005
Happy fucking sweet 16 to me.
Yep that's all.
Not such a good day and it's only 10:30.
This should be grand.
May 30, 2005
I don't really care. I just need change. Constantly. I breathe better in an environment that's always changing, which doesn't really make sense, because I really hate some things that have changed in my life recently, but when things stay the same for too long, I can't handle it.
May 31, 2005
Everything that's been thrown at me in the past year has just been a bunch of bullshit I don't want to put up with and really can't handle emotionally. I'm weak and I know that, but that's not my fault. So, I think I just started to ignore it all and pretend like it wasn't happening. And as soon as I started forgetting about life and my responsibilities, I became this girl that I never, ever imagined myself being. And I don't know if that's a good thing.
I can't go back and become that girl that I was. It seems like forever ago that I obeyed all the rules. I was this little angel and I remember getting so mad at people when they did shit like I'm doing now. I remember being furious with a few people. I remember ending friendships because some of my friends took the same actions that I'm taking now.
And it hurts a lot to realize that you hate everything about yourself. It hurts so much.
-Governor's School West 2005 & knowing that there would never be a better 6 weeks of my life
June 17, 2005
This is more of a permanent change that I know I'll keep with me forever.
June 21, 2005
The friends I've made here are magnificent and I don't know what I'm going to do when we all have to go home to totally opposite sides of the state.
June 26, 2005
Life is once again, almost perfect. I don't think that it could get much better than this. I feel like there will probably be people who read this and roll their eyes, but that's how it is. I'm learning to wake up and just take each day as it comes to me, without worrying about what's going to happen next, or what happened the day before. It makes me happy when I'm able to smile about the stupidest shit and not have something nagging at me in the back of my mind telling me that I'm not supposed to or not allowed to be happy. I feel like, for the first time in a long time, that everything that has happened this past year has nothing to do with what's happening now.
July 23, 2005
I don't want any of this anymore. Any of it. I don't want to be home. I don't want to hang out with my friends. I don't even want to sit in the air conditioning and take a bubble bath and eat good food. I want to go to sleep and wake back up in Clewell dorm room 326.
I can't handle this emotionally.
I just don't want it.
Look at who I am now. I'm not the girl who was heartbroken over jR's death and wishing I could do something to change it, even though I'll carry that piece of me forever. I'm not the girl who wished time would stop so I could hold on to people who had already forgotten about me. I'm not the girl who felt like she had to make sure everything was perfect before she could smile. And I'm not the content, happy girl I was this summer.
We're growing up so fast and there's nothing we can do to stop it and I don't know if I'm ready for it.