On June 1 I wrote:
I knew I was supposed to get better, to stop smoking, stop drinking, stop everything that had just been beginning, and for a little while I cleaned myself up. I went a whole month without a single cigarette or a single beer, but then it's just like I woke up one morning and decided I didn't want to listen to other people, I didn't want to listen to God or my parents or even my friends because for some strange reason I believed they were all wrong and I was right.
And I know that's a lie, I know that they're right and I'm wrong, but now I can't turn back. I can't go back and become that girl that I was. It seems like forever ago that I obeyed all the rules. I was this little angel and I remember getting so mad at people when they did shit like I'm doing now. I remember being furious with a few people. I remember ending friendships because some of my friends took the same actions that I'm taking now.
And it hurts a lot to realize that you hate everything about yourself. It hurts so much.
On December 11 I wrote:
I understand that it's really fucking hard to love me. Okay? I get it. I know that sometimes I'm cynical and distant and self-centered and stuck-up and ignorant and annoying and a drama queen and so damn truthful that it hurts. I know that I'm a bitch.
But I'm also insecure. I wish I was beautiful. I try too hard. I really hate confrontation despite the fact the I seek it. I hurt just like anyone else.
I know that I'm cold-hearted and I don't believe in love or God or magic or anything that's not certain and I don't let people get too close. And on the few occasions when I've given someone the impression that I'm handing over my whole life story, it's been a lie.
But I want to believe in all of those things. I want to be able to trust people and for them to be able to trust me. I just want someone to prove me wrong. I really do want to be loved just like anyone else.
And god damnit I know that I drink too much and I smoke too much and I sleep with guys I really shouldn't. I know that I don't have any self-control. But I really just wish that people would see that about me and instead of talking shit about me behind me back, accept it for what it is and walk straight up to me and tell me that I'm stupid and that what I'm doing isn't helping anyone and it's just causing me to push the rest of the world further and further away. And I wish that someone would try to fix that about me instead of telling everyone else about it and then pretending they don't know that I'm slightly screwed up.
I really used to hate myself. People tell me that I'm self-defeatist and I have no self-esteem and that I "don't give myself enough credit" (cough evan.) but the truth is, I'm getting so much better. The past few years have been miserable for me. And yes, I am insecure, I'm not going to deny that because it's not worth denying anymore, but now all of that bullshit is over. I'm moving on and I'm trying so hard to be okay with who I am.
when I start to make you nervous and I'm going to extremes, tomorrow I will change and today won't mean a thing.