My drinking habit has exploded and exposed all of my psychological short-comings. Yes, I am damaged, but people are not supposed to know that. Now they do. I don't know if that's good or bad. Probably a little bit of both.
I'm seriously considering seeking professional help. I think I need someone to just vent to, someone who doesn't know me and doesn't have a preconceived notion of who I am.
On a happy note, I bought a new macbook. It is pretty and was very expensive, and being born and raised on the PC I don't really know how to use everything yet, but I'm getting there.
I don't know what I want from any of the boys I am physically/emotionally entangled with right now. I don't even think I can begin to make decisions about my love life, because I can't even figure myself out anymore.
I'm going back to Applebee's for spring break. I feel a shitshow coming on... I told myself that I was never going back there after Christmas break. That place fucks with my head and makes me kind of crazy. I miss it though. In a way, it's kind of my happy place--a safehouse of sorts. I just wish that I could move Applebee's to Chapel Hill, except 1) that is not a feasible option and 2) if I ever did that I literally think the universe would explode. I hate mixing my Chapel Hill and Knightdale lives and I've been walking a very thin line between the two for a very long time. I feel like sooner or later I'm going to have to choose one or the other. I just don't know what I want.
cause the joke that you laid in the bed--that was me
and i'm not gonna fade as soon as you close your eyes
and you know it.
and everytime i scratch my nails down someone elses back
i hope you feel it.
can you feel it?
well, i'm here to remind you
of the mess you left when you went away.