1. I am scared I do not have 25 things to list here.
2. I don't think I can go one day without drinking at least an entire pot of coffee. I'm not willing to test this theory either.
3. I'm all about some arts and crafts (and using the phrase "arts and crafts")--but I rarely advertise this fact.
4. I have 12 piercings, all above the shoulders.
5. I'm even more organized than I appear to be--which is scary.
6. When I say I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, I mean it.
7. I've read every Harry Potter book at least 25 times--this is not an exaggeration.
8. My text messages are almost always grammatically correct. I catch a lot of hell for this.
9. I think the reason I wear glasses now is because when I was little I used to read too much, even in the dark after my bedtime.
10. I have a bad habit of trusting people that obviously do not deserve it.
11. I'm really good at making small talk and interacting with strangers, even though I hate it.
12. I have little to no fashion sense--hence the solid color t-shirt and jeans (and sometimes I even screw that up).
13. I take way too much ibuprofen on a weekly basis. My immune system also sucks. Bad.
14. I can't sleep at night. I must have been a nocturnal being in a past life.
15. I use big words out of context sometimes just to see if anyone will catch on.
16. I listen to the oddest assortment of music ever. I hate music snobs.
17. Reality frightens me, so I continue to evade it.
18. I have a strange fascination with and love shopping for office supplies and the like.
19. If I had bigger balls, I would drop out of school and wait tables/go to culinary school. This will never actually happen.
20. I refuse to dog-ear pages of any book. Ever. When it comes to my collection of books, I am extremely overprotective.
21. I'm always on time. I hate being late.
22. I know I'm awkward. I got over it a long time ago. I wish everyone else would too.
23. I just want to write a book before I die, but I know I will never have the attention span for it.
24. I wish I was more self-conscious in order to preserve my dignity, but I'm not at all.
25. I really want to climb the tree outside my window. Right now.
That is, for the most part, true, but I manipulated it in order to please those people that I knew would read it (my friends). I'm going to do it honestly and for real right now where I know nobody I know will ever read it:
1. I am scared I will have a nervous breakdown before I can think of 25 honest things to say about myself.
2. I have a horribly addictive personality. People don't believe me when I say this. It is true. See the next 3 points.
3. I sleep with inappropriate boys. Always. I know that they are inappropriate even before it happens--this never stops me. I am probably addicted to sex. I will not try to change this anytime soon. I should not, under any circumstances, have gotten involved with any of the boys I am currently sleeping with, but they make me feel beautiful.
4. I honestly believe that I am developing alcoholism. Sure, I am in college and everyone drinks, but not everyone gets drunk by themselves on a Tuesday night because they can't deal with reality. I do.
5. I smoke way too many cigarettes. I hate cigarettes. I will probably never quit smoking, and I don't know how to come to terms with that.
6. I am probably going to be in therapy/rehab for at least 30 years of my life after/if I graduate from college.
7. I am terrified of trying and failing. In order to avoid this, I fail on purpose. This character flaw will be my ultimate demise, and I know it.
8. I get new piercings/dye my hair for attention. I love attention. I am selfish.
9. I sleep around because I have low self-esteem. This is the hardest thing for me to admit, but I like feeling needed, if only for 30 minutes, because often I don't feel needed or wanted at all.
10. I am constantly trying to pinpoint the moment when my life became such a mess, but I am beginning to realize that there was no exact moment, and if there was, it was probably about ten years ago.
11. The reason I drink so much coffee is because, like nicotine, alcohol, sex, and attention, I am addicted to it. I do not make light of this matter and I hate people who say they are "addicted" to coffee, but really have no idea. I honestly cannot go one day without coffee. If I tried it would probably result in an anxiety attack. (I say "probably" because I have never attempted to this. I figure of all my addictions, caffeine should be the least of my worries). Some people get the shakes when they drink too much coffee. I get the shakes when I don't drink enough.
12. I am horribly self-conscious and would like to lose about ten pounds, but I will not try to do this through exercise and diet, because I am too afraid to fail. Honestly, if I stopped drinking and smoking pot I could probably lose the weight quickly. Again, I won't try to quit either of those things because I am absolutely terrified of failing and honestly having to admit to my addictions.
13. I am not as broken as I appear. Generally I am a happy person, but I am scared that my happiness is brought on only by addiction. I am scared that one day I will realize that I wasn't happy at all, just constantly intoxicated.
14. I am scared of hard drugs and pills. For obvious reasons. I can't even be near them without freaking out.
15. I am terrified of disappointing my parents and everyone else I love, so I disappoint them on purpose.
16. I wish I could write better. I am often scared that I am not smart enough to be where I am in life right now. I do not know why I am an English major, other than I am too scared to follow my real dreams. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to change the world. I still do want these things even though I know I will never accomplish them. I will always be an average, middle-class citizen.
17. I hate it when my friends criticize my behavior. Mostly because I know they are right, and I can't stand being wrong.
18. Even though I know that I nothing remotely emotional going on with any of the boys I sleep with, it still hurts my feelings when they don't make time for me.
19. I do feel emotions. It hurts me to admit it. I am not as cold as I appear. I am dark and broken and I don't know how to deal with it.
20. The boy I lost my virginity to doesn't know it.
21. I hate how much I've fucked up my college career. It's the one thing I would go back and do all over. I say that I don't have regrets, but I do.
22. I've had to take multiple breaks from this to go clean things, wash dishes, etc., because being honest with myself is too overwhelming.
23. I wish I was religious, but I could never face the fact that I am going to hell, so I pretend not to believe in hell. I used to be religious, but it didn't work out for me...
24. Whether or not I like to admit it, there are a lot of people in my life that know me better than I know myself. These people scare me, so I push them away.
25. I have no idea who I am other than one giant contradiction.
That was much harder than it should have been. I don't know what the hell I am doing with my life. I miss my boys. I miss Applebee's because it's the only place where I feel like I am truly loved. I miss my family. I miss my life. I miss myself.
She loves her mama's lemonadeAnd yes, I feel like a cliche pop song today. I think it's okay though.
Hates the sound that "goodbyes" makes
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her
She swears that there's no difference between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her
And every magazine tells her she's not good enough
The pictures that she sees make her cry
She would change everything, everything
Just ask her
Caught in the in-between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home
She's giving boys what they want
Tries to act so non-chalant
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction
She never stays the same for long
Assuming that she'll get it wrong
Perfect only in her imperfection
She's not a drama-queen
She doesn't wanna feel this way
Only [19], but tired...
She's just the way she is
But no one's told her that's okay.