i don't have time for this, but i need it. writing is one of the only things that i can still recognize as bringing me happiness.

because honestly, i don't even know what makes me happy anymore. i just go through the motions, without even feeling any emotion at all, and it all builds up and then eventually i break down, like today. the only thing i feel that i can do is bring home good grades, keep my room clean, stay off drugs, and try to become this superchild or something. and nobody even acknowledges the fact. i'd get more attention in a mental institution, which is probably where i'm going to belong after a few more months of this. i don't sleep at night. insomnia has become easier than sleeping, i get more done that way, and i can't sleep until all my homework is done and my room is clean anyway, and by that time it's 1, 2, sometimes 3am, and it's not worth the 30+ minutes it takes me to get to sleep, so i just don't. i lay there, sometimes i doze off and rest in that place between reality and dreams (taken from Oliver Twist.) but i don't sleep. my head hurts. all the time. it's been 2 weeks straight, and no matter how much medicine i take, it doesn't go away.

i just wish someone would acknowledge everything i'm doing to impress them. because they don't. and it hurts a lot.

really i want to go running right now
but i have blisters
and i'm sore
and i don't have time for that kind of stuff anymore.