The honest truth is that I am happy. I'm happy in a bizarre way, though. So here is an update on my goingson in the past month and some:
Chuck left. He didn't say goodbye except through a brief email and then a text message 3 days later in which he said he misses me. I don't know how to feel. Sometimes I miss him so much that I can't stand it. Most days I realize that had he never left our mess would have continued on for an unnecessarily long time. We said all we had to say. There was nothing left to do but to say goodbye. I know he loves me. I know he will always remember me. And I know he knows how I feel about him. I'm letting go. It's beautiful and painful all at the same time.
I haven't spoken to Scott in months. I know he doesn't have a phone right now or money to get one, but I believe we could get in touch with each other if we really needed to. That is to say, if he really wanted to talk to me, I think he would find a way to. He doesn't need me though. And I don't need him. I think it just got to be too hard. All of it. We cared too much about each other to just be fuck-buddies, but we were still sleeping together, but we didn't care enough about each other to be serious. Maybe I am just imagining this; I wouldn't know because we never talked about feelings. I miss him most of the time. He was there for me when I needed it. And, really, how could I ever forget him?
And the boys have continued to come and go since then. Except one. Now there is Dayn. Yes, that's right. I'm dating a boy exclusively. Praise Jesus Hallelujah! I know no one ever thought it would happen again. The thing is, he's pretty great. I mean, really great. I think we are a little infatuated right now, but I also think that this could work out really well for both of us.
Oh, if I could only just turn back the clock
When I was still scared, and my hair was still dark
And my hands were clean.
But now all my choices are spent
And the men that I've known, they don't know what I meant
And cupid's arrow is backwards and bent
When it's flyin' for me.
Black, blue
Her, you.
White, green
Him, me.
It's been a year since I ended things with Allen. It's been almost a year since I met Chuck and Scotty and our whirlwind saga began. This summer the day Chuck left for the last time was the first day I spent real time with Dayn. Is it weird that I feel like things are coming around full circle? Maybe it's true that we have to lose a little to gain a little. I lost a lot. I feel like I'm gaining a lot too, but I'm not sure yet. I could let go of everything that's happened. I could love him. But I am so, so scared.
I've also realized lately that I don't really have a best friend. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about everything. I've always had that, and now I don't, because all I do is push people away--or sleep with them and then push them away. I know that my friends care about me, but I can't bring myself to talk to them. I just don't think I'll ever have friends like I did in high school again. I don't know if I want to. Chuck was my best friend. I used to tell him everything. We used to talk every day for hours. He's gone now. Even if we were capable of being just friends, we couldn't now. I know he'll never come back, and maybe that's what hurts the most.
Souls like the wings
Spreading out away from bad memories
Make us capable of taking off and landing
Alive with understanding
Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go
Let me go, let me go, let me go.
In the meantime, I am fucking up school phenomenally. I don't even care anymore. I have no idea what I want to do with my life other than write. And I'm not talented enough to write professionally. I just want out.
I like being independent. I like knowing that I am self-sufficient. But have I grown to protect my independence so much that I can't let anyone in? Not even friends? Have I grown so independent that I've grown cold?
I want to live and I want you to live happy and free
But I don't know how separate the now from what used to be
Will you sleep?
Not a wink.
Well, neither will I.