The last few days have been boring. I had ballet again tonight and it was pretty good. Then Cindy (my ballet teacher) asked me to go babysit her kids afterwards cause her husband wasn't going to be home yet, so I went and did that and I just got home a little while ago.
Only 3 more days until school starts. That's kind of depressing. I do feel sort of like I haven't had a summer, because of Governor's School. Not that I'd change that, it just doesn't feel like I should be going back to school yet. This summer went by so fast, mostly because for the first two weeks I was getting ready for gsw, and then I was there for 6 weeks and they went by faster than any other 6 weeks of my life. And now I've been home for almost a whole month, (as of tomorrow. wow.) but it doesn't feel like it. Not at all.
It still doesn't feel like gsw happened. I thought that at first it was just because I didn't really understand the reality that I was home and I wasn't going back. But now that I've been home for a while and I'm getting ready to go back to school, it still doesn't feel real. Idk. The same thing happened when JR died... You think it will settle in eventually but it never really does. Maybe it's because I don't want to accept the fact that either of those things happened, but maybe some things aren't meant to settle. Maybe if they settled and we accepted them then we wouldn't remember them as much and we need to remember those big moments in our lives, because they are the type of things that define who we are.
Maybe I'm the only one who cares. Maybe I'm the only one who still misses it more than words can describe. Maybe I say "Maybe" too much.
I know it's going to be worse when I go back to school. It's going to be so weird going to classes that I hate all day instead of going to classes that I love so much. It's going to be weird sitting at desks, raising my hand to go to the bathroom and calling my teacher Mr & Mrs when I'm used to laying on the floor, walking out whenever I feel like it and calling my teachers by their first names.
Everyone here is so sick of me. I can tell when I look into their eyes when I talk to them. They are so annoyed with me because all I can talk about is governor's school, but when I try not to talk about it, I get frusterated with myself and unhappy. I just can't win anymore.
But since when have I ever been very good at winning? Not ever. This summer was a stroke of luck beyond my imagination. I didn't realize how good it was going to be. After a year of pure hell, I needed it more than anyone knew. But I didn't know that I wouldn't want to leave. I wasn't prepared to be so emotionally attached to it, that a month later I would still cry if I thought about it too much.
Oh yes and then Erika is having boy troubles again. Surprise, surprise. Life continues as usual...