Facebook is being dumb so I am using my blog as my form of procrastination this afternoon.
Overall, today was alright. Only because I have the most amazing friends in the world.
Except I've been getting annoyed with a lot of people lately. A lot of stress + no patience = avoiding people that I normally love to spend time with. I think most of it is because of all the drama. I mean, I was the one who started the drama, but I said what I had to say and then it was over for me, but for everyone else it's just now settling down. I'm so angry about all of it. I don't understand why people drag things out. There is no point.
Recently a lot of people have told me that I'm good at putting feelings into words. It makes me laugh because I've never felt that way. I've always felt that my words are inadequate when compared to what I'm really feeling when I blog. I do feel things too deeply though, so maybe what I write is right for what other people are feeling, just not for me. I think that over the past couple of years, especially the past year, I've been trying so hard to shut out intense emotions that when I feel even the slightest bit angry or sad or frusterated or even happy and like I could possibly love someone, I get scared and freak out. I'm not a good writer though. English is my hardest class right now because I can't write. I don't know why blogging would be any different.
I kind of freaked out at Wesley last night. Not like psycho-bitch flip out, but enough to make me angry at myself. I'm just scared because I think I might really like him and actually be afraid to lose him, which I've never felt before. I don't like the uncertainty.
Before school started, I blogged about how Governor's School didn't feel real. Now that we've been back in school for a month, it's so much worse. I have to remind myself that I was there. I know I was happy, but I don't remember how it felt to be there. I know it was better than anything I've ever experienced, but I just don't feel like I experienced it. period. I know it changed me, but I definitely don't feel changed. Maybe I was for a little while, but maybe I just went back to the way I've always been. Can anything really change you? I guess maybe something really big could, although I thought GS was really big. I thought everything was going to be okay when I got home and I wouldn't have to worry about all the trivial things I worried about before I left. That was so stupid. Running away from your problems doesn't make it any better. (cliche. mhm.) I never really knew what people were talking about when they said that, but I understand now. I didn't even use GS to get away from my problems. I just went because I got accepted and figured I might as well. I just wasn't prepared for how good it was going to be. I hate that: surprises. I don't like being unprepared.
This is long. I had a lot of thoughts running around in my head and needed to get them out before I can do homework and go to ballet.