Sometimes when I decide to plop myself down on the grass, lose myself in the stars and prevent all of my thoughts from ricocheting from one complex side of my head to the other, I think of what may have been the cause; because it was nobody's fault. Although, we'd like to blame someone, if only to be able to clear our own names.
I yelled at God that day, "How could You have done this to me?!" because when all else fails, God is always there to take the blame.
Later, I apologized. After all, it wasn't anybody's fault, especially not God's. God wouldn't break my heart in such a cruel way. No, He wouldn't.
They would. Only, I'm not like them. They don't understand what I do with my life when it falls to pieces. Substances prevent me from forgiving and forgetting and remaining sane, so I travel around in circles, pressed up against the wall, careful. I wouldn't want to fall into the depths of that world.
That's when it all goes wrong: when you stop caring and lose your child-like awe of the world. That's when you make innocent girls cry in their beds at night with broken hearts.
Haha wow, a little emo there. I tried to write prettily like Katie does, and like I used to be able to, but I haven't written in so long. I haven't had time. There's no real structure to it, it's just there. I needed some sort of constructive outlet for my stress because the smoking thing is not a good crutch. (Yes, it's back again. In full swing.)
I am trying, really hard.
In English today, for a little while we talked about living in the past because we just read the Great Gatsby (AMAZING book.) It put me into deep-thought mode, as that class often does. By trying to become someone who I was quite a while ago, am I living in the past? Am I just as bad as Gatsby in that I put all of my energy into trying to recapture something that took flight long ago--that I'll never be able to attain? I don't even know what I'm trying to do. I just want everything to be alright again. Well, things are alright, I can't even complain about life because it's not that bad. But it has changed so incredibly much over the past year that I'm scared. As much as I am constantly in need of change to remain sane, I don't want it in a dosage such as the one that began last October and is still going on.
In all of my entries from the past few months, all I can do is complain and question everything that makes me who I am. I'm so insecure that it's getting ridiculous. I want to change, I really do. I just don't know if it's possible to change who you are. Maybe what you've been given is what you're stuck with, and maybe there's nothing to do but accept that.