I haven't felt like this in a while. I haven't let myself get close enough to anyone to be hurt when they finally decide to leave. It's weird to be revisited by a feeling that I once knew so well. It brings back so many memories that I've been trying to get rid of for so long.
Sadly, that is not the only feeling I have to deal with now. There seem to be so many moments when I just feel my hands start to shake and the tears well up in my eyes and my stomach tighten and I begin to realize how unfair this all is. Why do all of the adults and even some of my friends overlook the fact that I am working so hard, and I'm still not good enough. I'm mediocre. Never in my whole life have I been mediocre. And I know it's not fair for me to complain about it, but damnit it sucks. I am not stable anymore. I'm not suicidal or anything, but this cannot possibly be normal. It's just expected of me. My mom thinks that it's okay for her to yell at me to do my homework when she wants me to do it, because she doesn't realize that this is all for her, and I'm breaking myself for her and my father and they don't even notice. They tell me to "stop crying and do your homework" ("do your homework" can be replaced by phrases such as "pick up this mess" or any other chore, as well as words such as "get ready for ballet" or any other extracurriculars which aren't worth doing. and then there's the ever famous "help Ryan/Brandon/Ashley with their Math/Science/Social Studies/[Insert subject here] homework") I love the support I have at home. Love it.
And that is my bitching for today. No apologies because I don't care.