it's just sex & violence, melody & silence
Things are slowly falling into place again. I am recovering, which is a strange thing to say, but very true. Everything is changing now. I can feel my universe shifting, not in large noticeable ways, but in the small changes I am making to my life. We're on the brink of starting our lives in the "real world," and it is scary and exciting all at the same time, so I am getting a firmer grip on reality, in a surreal way that I can't really explain. I'm completely ready for it, but already a bit nostalgic. I didn't think I would be, being bitter and cynical about everything high-school-related, but I am. There's no way to avoid the fact that I'm leaving the place I've spent the majority of my time these past four years. Not everything is as easy as it seems.
Lately I've been trying hard to figure out what it is that I want in life. I don't want to go to school pre-med anymore--I really don't. I don't know why either. I think maybe it's because I am so fed-up with the entire public education system and all of the American Dream: Be All You Can Be bullshit that I've been fed by all of the adults in my life. Maybe this is going to turn out to be another one of my reckless decisions, but I really do believe that I need to do something else. I can't commit to going through another eight years of school without any justification except that it's what I've been told to do my whole life. The problem now is that I've spent all four years of high school preparing for that track. The science and math courses I've taken greatly outweigh anything else I've done. I don't necessarily feel like it's a waste, but I feel like I am not nearly as knowledgeable in other subjects, so I don't have the slightest clue as to what kind of career I want to pursue now.
On a separate note, I am really tired of Applebee's. For real.