remember how we held our hands so high.

So, this is it. I don't even know where all the time went. I leave in 17 days, and I'm ready, but sometimes I'm not so sure. It's strange. I feel like this summer has effectively marked the end of my childhood. That makes me feel weird in this happy-nostalgic kind of way. At this time last year I was getting ready to apply to college, and I was so excited. Now I'm getting ready to leave for college, and I'm excited, but in a more contained way. I'm more scared than I've been in my entire life, and not because of the classes or having to meet new people or even being away from home, but because I know there's no turning back now, no matter how bad I may want to. I've always been able to go home at the end of a rough day and find comfort in the familiarity of everything around me, because it's all I've known my entire life, but everything is about to change.

When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then you grow up and learn to be cautious; you could break a bone, or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all, because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there is no safety net...When did it stop being fun and start being scary? -Sex & the City

The truth is that the reason that I'm scared is that this summer has been different from any other summer. The past two summers I've been in Salem and Boone. I met some of the most amazing people I have met, and ever will meet, in my entire life. This summer I've been home, but I feel like I'm on a different planet. The only people that have remained constant are my family, and the people that I've met make a living working at Applebee's, and--not to hate on the restaurant business, because I love it--they're not exactly winners. But they've taught me lessons that I needed to learn eventually, and could only learn the hard way--lessons about perseverance, and love, and just living day to day because you don't know that the grass is greener on the other side and the theory's not worth testing out. Because of that, they've become more significant to me than anyone I met at Governor's School or Summer Ventures. What I'm doing as a summer job, they'll be doing for the rest of their lives. Regardless of what anyone else will tell you, waiting tables is the most exhausting and difficult thing I have ever done in my life. It makes me feel ashamed of my AP-class-college-bound ass. I know that's not right, but it's true. Anyway, the point is that I don't even know how to handle this summer, and I need to do that before I can leave. I need closure from one step to the next, even if they are baby steps.

Another thing is that I never see my friends from school. I can already feel that the wheels are in motion, and I'm about to start all over again, which sounds absolutely ridiculous because my two best friends from high school are going to be living on the freaking floor above me next year and I'm only going to be a half hour away from home. But I know that I don't stick with people, or people don't stick with me--one or the other. That sounds like a bitter thought, but it's not. It doesn't bother me. I need change. Things in my life can't stay still for too long, because I get bored and then I get reckless. So why all of the sudden am I so worried about losing people?

Oh, and also, what the fuck am I supposed to do with my boyfriend? I have no idea.

The truth is that this post is going to make absolutely zero sense to anyone. My apologies.