there'll be time enough for sex and drugs in heaven

I should be happy that he is happy, because I think he is genuinely happy (though we never blatantly discuss matters of the heart). His news last night broke my heart though. It was beautiful news, too. It just broke my heart. I think what hurt the most though, didn't really have anything to do with him and his life. I think what hurt the most was the realization that reality still exists and I still have to wrestle with it despite how much I suppress it. The idea that the real world is ruining our little, happy universe breaks my heart. There's nothing to do now, but get the fuck over it.

Imagine you're a girl, just trying to finally come clean,
Knowing full well they prefer you were dirty and smiling.
And I am sorry, but I am not a maiden fair.
And I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere.

I'm not in class right now, and I should be. The semester just started and I have missed more class than I have attended, for no reason in particular. I hate class. Mostly I hate getting ready for class and having to look semi-presentable and clean and then walking to class. I will not deny that I am lazy.

I do honestly miss those damn boys. At the same time though, the longer I spend apart from them the less I care, the less I remember the subtle details that pleased me so much, and the less I want to see them again. I considered completely disengaging and just letting them drop out of my life, as I so often do when things start to become complicated. I can't just let go though, which is weird for me. It's not even about the sex--I could, honestly, do without that. It's more about the idea that I never feel judged when I'm with them (and I act ridiculous too). I just like that sense of security.

I hate being honest with myself. It has got to be the most difficult and horrible thing that I've ever had to do.