The things I want to say, but can't.
1. I hate you. I wish you were dead. I don't care about the money anymore. Stay away from my friends. I am embarrassed that I wasted so much time on you. I never loved you, I just couldn't break your heart, because apparently I am human, and you seemed to care about me so much. In the past year and a half, my happiest times were not with you, not even at the beginning, but they are now, that I am without you (and that's saying something). You fucked up my life for 9 months and I don't want to ever speak to you again.
2. I thought I could love you, regardless of everything. I had hopes that you could love me too. Mostly, thanks to you, all of my notions of love have been squashed. I'm tired of playing games with you and I don't want to do it anymore, but I know I can't stop. You're hurting me without even knowing it, and if you did know it, I don't think you would stop either. I almost thought, for a second, that we could be happy. Now, I don't even know if I can stand being friends with you anymore, even though you know me better than a lot of people and you understand me. I don't want to need you anymore, and I think slowly cutting you out of my life might be the best idea right now, for everyone involved. I know you've been through shit, but anyone who can treat women the way you do does not deserve a second glance; I'm sorry I gave you one, and a third and a fourth...You don't deserve me.
3. I will always remember you as the first boy who ever broke my heart. I don't even remember what you look like anymore, and I am certain that we will never speak again, but I will always love you, and I will always blame you for the way I turned out. I was the happiest I have ever been in my life when we were together, and I will never forget it, so thank you for that one piece of joy. Ps-Thanks for taking my virginity without even knowing it.
4. You are the most genuine person in my life right now. Spending time with you never ceases to make me forget about everything else going on, despite the fact that half the time we spend together is spent fighting, but I don't know if I can sleep with you anymore. I think it may be best if I cut ties with you as well, because of everything you are connected to. It will break my heart to see you go, though.
5. I have been crazy about you for the longest time, and have refused to acknowledge it, taking the Best Friend seat on the back of the bus. I have watched you hurt and be hurt, and I know all of your flaws and I almost-love you in spite of that. I don't know what happened the other night. I don't know why. I don't know if what you said was true or if it was the tequila talking, but I hope to God I am more than just a filler for you. I am tired of being the girl that boys sleep with to forget about the girls they can't sleep with. I don't want to be that to you. I want to be so much more to you. I can see us being happy. And I could drop it all, walk away from it all if I knew that's what you wanted. I am so scared you don't. And I am so scared that things will not be able to go back to normal, because after everything, I don't think I can handle being indirectly hurt anymore. Sometimes being your friend is pure torture. Your words, like you, are beautiful and I hope you know that you are worth something to me even when you feel like you're not worth a damn thing. Mostly, you make me feel scared, because I know that you are the one person in my life right now that has the power to legitimately break my heart. I know you don't want to do that, but I don't want you to not walk away if that's what you need to do. I really just want you to be happy, and if that happiness is only attainable without me in the picture, I'll get over it eventually. You know everything about me, and the idea that you can see something beautiful and pure beneath that all gives me more hope than I've had in a long time. I've kept quiet for so long about so many things I feel like I need you to be in the room right now to read this, but I can't even handle looking you in the eye right now. I refuse to be the one to initiate the inevitable conversation that must take place eventually. I need you to initiate it so I know you care. And please, please, please be gentle with me. You know I am not as cold as I appear.
I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling, all the playful misspellings
Every bite I gave you left a mark
And tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did, and so did I that day.
All I see are dark gray clouds in the distance
moving closer with every hour
So when you'd ask, is something wrong
I'd think "you're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now,
no, we can't talk about it now."
So one last touch, and then we'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.