Tomorrow I will give this to him.
I also have a feeling that tomorrow I will get my heart broken, again.
Here it goes:
This is ridiculous, but I am awkward and better on paper than I would be saying this to you out loud. Talking to you usually comes easily to me, but talking about us is a whole different story. There is too much that I have to get off my chest. I don't want to miss anything and I don't want to just skate over important details. I would rather just say everything at once than kick myself later for not saying enough. You are one of my closest friends, so I feel like I owe it to the both of us just to be honest. This will be silly and trite and full of cliches. It will also be messy and disjointed, because even though I need to talk about my feelings, I am still scared to put too much out there or make too many assumptions, but I don't know how else to put it.
We said things and did things Thursday night that honestly shocked me. So many times since we've met we have been able to just hang out and drink ourselves into oblivion and have a good time--Warren and Erika time--and not once have we ever had any sort of physical or emotional contact. Those nights were honestly great and a wonderful escape from both of our overly-complicated lives. I feel like everything has changed now. I will never say that I regret a single bit of it, because I don't, and I never will, but I don't really know how to act around you anymore, and it's only been a couple of days. I really just need to kill the elephant in the room before it crushes me, and I'm glad you agreed to talk to me about everything. Sorry I fail miserably at talking and have decided to use this ultimate cop-out instead. I'm also sorry if this turns out to be an emotional overload. I'm sorry for putting this all on you, especially during exams, which are stressful enough.
You know almost everything about me. You know that I am self-destructive, out of control, and scared to death of emotional attachment. You know that I fill the voids in my life created by my shortcomings with inappropriate behavior. Never once did I expect this to happen. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't want it, or that I still don't. You need to know that you are not just another guy to me. You're not someone I'm using for pure entertainment or to make myself feel better. The fact that I have recognized this is incredible in and of itself. The way I feel about you doesn't compare to any other person in my life right now. I don't mean to say that in a scary-clingy-attached way, because that's not how it is. First and foremost you are my best friend, which is mostly why I care about you so much. I am in no way confessing my undying-love to you like a thirteen year old, because we both know that I am not in love with you, no matter how much I care about you and how much I am attracted to you. My first instinct upon realizing that I had no choice but to tell you everything was to run. Fast. I know I can't do that with you though. Writing this now scares me more than anything has in a very long time, mostly because I don't deal with emotions. I usually purposefully sleep with guys who are emotionally unavailable just so I won't have to deal with emotions. Feelings scare me because I know I can be hurt, and I am scared to find out that there is still enough real-person beneath my skin that I can still be hurt.
The root of the matter is, I am the most insecure person I know, no matter how confident I act in person. The reason I sleep with inappropriate people is because they make me feel beautiful and needed, and I rarely feel like that otherwise. I feel like most of this you already know, and that you can look past the fact that I am a psychological nightmare has always been one of the reasons that I am attracted to you. You give me hope that maybe there is still something left in me, other than my body, that can be appreciated. I have had feelings for you for a long time, but have suppressed them due to the fact that you are one of my best friends, and people who understand me and love me regardless happen to be in short supply. I decided a very long time ago that it was better for me to keep quiet than to try to tell you how I feel. We have a good time just as friends. I never wanted to risk losing that. I still don't want to lose that.
I need to know where you stand, and I don't want you to lie to me to conserve my feelings. I know that you are a caring person, and I know that you know what I've been through. You know I act tough and nonchalant on the exterior a lot of times. Underneath that all I am perhaps more fragile than anyone I know. I am a mess, more or less. I am aware of this and I am aware that I tend to make others uncomfortable and it does not bother me. Because you know all of this, and because you are a caring person, I am mostly scared that if you don't have feelings for me you are going to try to let me down easy; please don't do that. I would rather you be bluntly honest with me than try to protect me. So many people have tried to protect me and it only ends it me making a fool of myself. I know that this letter is not going to make things any easier for you, but I feel like if ever there was a time for this, it is now. I can't push it off anymore and pretend like it doesn't exist.
You said things on Thursday that nearly broke my heart, in a good way. I know I was demanding and persistent through the whole thing, mostly in hopes of protecting both of us, and I know you repeatedly told me that it was not a one-night, random thing; however, I have a sickening feeling that it was the tequila talking. I feel pathetic admitting this, but I do not know how anyone who knows so much about me and my emotional and sexual history could ever feel anything for me outside of friendship. Another blindingly obvious issue with all of this is, like I said on Thursday, "I have my shit and you have your shit right now." I know you have feelings for someone else; I've known it the whole time. I know those feelings for that person have not changed because of me, and I don't expect them to. The fact that we are all friends, also does not make this any easier. Basically, I believe that my timing is horrible, but if it wasn't, I wouldn't be me, so that is to be expected. Perhaps it is even true that my current sexual escapades scare you. You need to know that I could walk away from it all if that's what you wanted.
If you do have feelings for me, I in no way have any intentions of rushing into this. Even though I have basically just spilled my heart out onto this paper, I don't expect it to be easy regardless; but, again, if it weren't messy and complicated, it wouldn't be my life. Sometimes I think I make things this way for myself so I can blame the universe or God or whatever for my own fuck-ups. But, for honesty's sake, right now I am honestly not expecting you to return my feelings. I sound self-defeatist and horrible and I know you hate that, but preparing myself for the worst happens to be one of my best coping mechanisms. Please do not feel like you have to be gentle with me. That is the last thing I want right now.
I know I am sitting in the room with you while you are reading this, making things more awkward for the both of us. Forgive me if this is repetitive and confusing and unclear. Originally my intention in writing this was to read it out loud to you, but I already know I will not be able to do that. I understand it is probably going to take you a while to get your thoughts together after this, and if you don't want to say anything at all right now, that's fine too. You can walk right out of the room without saying a word if that's what you need to do. While your response to all of this matters to me deeply, I first and foremost needed to make sure you know where I stand, because I know I was unclear Thursday night and freaked out a little (a lot).
Above all, I hope that despite all of this we can continue to be the Warren and Erika we were before Thursday night. I expect many more Mario Party and Wii Bowling battles in the future (though maybe we should pass on the tequila for a while...). Regardless of how things turned out, maybe a fifth of tequila and unexpected sex were what we both needed, just for different reasons. If you don't have feelings for me, mine for you are not going to just disappear, and for a while it's going to be really awkward and weird, but eventually, I sincerely hope things can go back to normal.
Lastly, thanks for putting up with all my shit. It's greatly appreciated.
Erika