can't complain

Dayn and I got pretty drunk last night. We fought for hours. I cried harder than I've cried in a long time. Neither of us really remember what we were arguing about, and it's really not important. I do, however, remember one part of the conversation that didn't even have much to do with our relationship: I remember sobbing and telling Dayn that my whole life I've been doing things to make everyone else happy, and I am so tired of trying to make everyone else happy, but I don't even know what makes me happy anymore.

I don't feel like anything really makes me happy anymore.

We took off for the weekend, had quite a time
Shared everything we'd ever tried
I told her I could love her, I told her I could lie
So she can't complain, she can't complain

She didn't care if she saw me in her life
I left it up for her to decide
She couldn't see the end, but neither could I
So I can't complain, I guess I can't complain

She moved here, bought the first house she could find
I moved in, we locked ourselves inside
I guess we just kidnapped each other's minds
So we can't complain, we can't complain

I cheated on her with a friend of mine
There are no days when we don't fight
But remember--I warned her, and I'm a guy
So she can't complain, no, she can't complain

We've talked about rings and babies--the kinds of things that I want in life. We've talked about moving away and building a life together after I graduate. I want all of that. I do. Whether or not I want it with Dayn--whether or not it will happen with Dayn--I don't know, but I'm realizing that maybe I'm destined for mediocrity. Maybe I'm destined to just be a simple, average American citizen with 2.5 children and an average salary and average culinary skills. Maybe mediocrity is my thing, and maybe that's not the most horrible thing that could happen.

They tell me that if you write your goals down you are more likely to achieve them. I'm not sure whether or not this is true, but I'm going to go ahead and do my New Year's Resolutions early, because now is as good of a time as ever to start over:
1. 3.0 GPA. Just get my academic shit together.
2. No drinking on school nights. Period.
3. No sleepovers on school nights. Period.
4. Attend every class I can physically make it to. No excuses.
5. Stop making excuses for myself.
6. Cut back smoking--no promise to quit, because that is quite unrealistic, but cutting back should be manageable.
7. Don't get drunk every single time I drink. It's really quite unecessary.
8. Write more.
9. Don't let work interfere with school. (This is literally going to be the hardest one.)
10. Learn to love.

As I sit here in the recliner in my parents' home--the home of my teenage angst, the home of my high school projects, the home where my college acceptance letters were sent--I realize that I am happy. Watching my dad set up the Christmas tree while eating homemade potatoe soup ala Mom feels comfortable and familiar. Maybe I've been trying too hard to get away. Maybe I need to let go gradually instead of tearing all the strings out at once. Maybe that's when I'll feel fulfilled and content--when I've finally done it all for myself, but have still managed to remember what's important. I don't need to destroy everyone around me to build myself up. I don't need to make myself cold to be independent.

I am full of maybes today. Maybe I like it.