I understand that it's really fucking hard to love me. Okay? I get it. I know that sometimes I'm cynical and distant and self-centered and stuck-up and ignorant and annoying and a drama queen and so damn truthful that it hurts. I know that I'm a bitch.
But I'm also insecure. I wish I was beautiful. I try too hard. I really hate confrontation despite the fact the I seek it. I hurt just like anyone else.
I know that I'm cold-hearted and I don't believe in love or God or magic or anything that's not certain and I don't let people get too close. And on the few occasions when I've given someone the impression that I'm handing over my whole life story, it's been a lie.
But I want to believe in all of those things. I want to be able to trust people and for them to be able to trust me. I just want someone to prove me wrong. I really do want to be loved just like anyone else.
And god damnit I know that I drink too much and I smoke too much and I sleep with guys I really shouldn't. I know that I don't have any self-control. But I really just wish that people would see that about me and instead of talking shit about me behind me back, accept it for what it is and walk straight up to me and tell me that I'm stupid and that what I'm doing isn't helping anyone and it's just causing me to push the rest of the world further and further away. And I wish that someone would try to fix that about me instead of telling everyone else about it and then pretending they don't know that I'm slightly screwed up.
Because it's too late for second chances. I don't get to start over, there are no more "new beginnings." I can't change unless I can find someone who wants me to change just as much as I do. I'm not strong enough to do this alone.